Yesterday had to be one of the worst days I’ve had the last couple of months. If you’ve kept up with everything that’s been going on my other blog and I suppose this one too then you know what’s gone down. I broke up with Josh and Brandon and I started dating on January 1, 2011. Yes. I was starting this year off new and with an amazing bang. Since then, there have been quite a few downs and I have negletted writing these downs anywhere. So, I guess it’s about time that I start writing something down.
Yesterday I was stupid enough to IM Josh back when he IMed me. I did it mainly because I wanted some new pictures of Jin (Great Dane/ Mastiff mix puppy we got together). Well, I got those and made small talk… Asked him how work was and he said boring then he said, “So… I did something funny that I regret the other day xD”. Those words, those words right there made my heart literally hit the floor. I wasn’t sure what he was going to say but I knew it was something that was going to hurt me. I should have prepared myself in that instant… Just prepare myself for whatever was about to be said. I just didn’t have enough time. What came next… Oh how it broke my heart into millions of pieces but… It really shouldn’t have… It shouldn’t have hurt sooo bad, but it did. It hurt sooo bad…. I got up out of bed, walked into the bathroom, and fell to the floor. I couldn’t stop shaking, I couldn’t stop crying. I guess I probably shouldn’t put this but I’m going to anyway. He said, “I hooked up with someone and gave them a UTI xD”. Me: “UTI? Wait…. What? Are you…. Are you serious?” In that instant I fell to pieces. I knew it was going to happen, that he was going to get with someone else. What gets me is that he’s not dating her and it’s an ex. He wouldn’t tell me who either and he wouldn’t today either. He kept telling me that he wouldn’t sleep with anyone or even date anyone for probably 4 to 6 months maybe longer. So, what was going through my head?
Here’s what it was… It was, “who was it? why? when did you do it? how did it get started? where did you do it?” My mind kept playing out situations with different exs that I could remember. Just all sorts of things were going on up there. And it didn’t help that he said, “anal finger went into vag”. Did he really think he needed to say that? That I fucking wanted to know that? Today he said this, “>_> thought it was funny then i realized that after i said it that you werent someone i should tell that b/c it would hurt”. Yeah, I took screen shots of the convo cause I wanted Brandon to see and he wanted to see. Anyway, if he realized it wasn’t something to tell me then why did he even give me details on it…. He could tell by my reaction that it hurt. And then he wouldn’t fucking tell me who.
I poured my fucking heart out to him today explaining why I can’t talk to him right now. Why I won’t be able to talk to him for a little while… His little one word replies and things didn’t make anything better. My father says that when he does that that it’s him being defensive and trying not to hurt. I know me telling him all that made him hurt, but it made me hurt too. It’s not something that could be avoided. I told him though that I love him and that I do care about him but that right now, I just can’t bare to talk to him and that if I keep talking to him that I probably wouldn’t be able to get over us. All he kept saying was “ok” “oh. okay.” “i don’t know how to reply to that” “sorry” “i know how you feel”. It just… It wasn’t enough. I’m sitting there writing out fucking paragraphs and crying my eyes out and he’s probably just sitting there trying to ignore the fact that I’m actually showing some emotion, trying to ignore the fact that it did hurt.
He said that he didn’t eat for two months and constantly felt like puking and wondering why when I cheated on him that one time. I know he knows how much I regret that… Though, it was what ruined our relationship. I know it was. He even admitted to it once or twice. I think what really gets me, is that it felt like he cheated… It wasn’t cheating because we aren’t together but… It still hurt so much. I sat there crying on and off for 5 hours yesterday and about 1 or 2 today. It’s amazing how badly it can hurt to feel as if everything you’ve ever been told about your relationship with someone was true. That he didn’t really care. Or that he wanted to make me feel bad for whatever. I don’t know… But him telling me that will probably fuck with me for a little while longer but… I’ll get over it. I’ll get through it, because I’m strong. I’m stronger than I should be because I don’t allow myself to cry like I need to. I always hold back… Maybe that’s another reason it’s getting to me so bad… I’m not crying like I need to.
Brandon told me today to just cry. To cry and yell and do whatever I needed to do to help me get through it. To actually be a girl for once… But… I couldn’t. I can’t… If only I could go out driving and just park somewhere and break down. Just sitting in the car crying my heart out. Hitting the stearing wheel. Screaming out the hurt. If only I could do that. I think I would feel so much better… But I can’t do that. I have to pretend to be ok around here because I don’t like to worry people. I don’t want my aunt to worry about me again like she did the first time she walked in on me crying. I didn’t tell her what that was about… (it was when Josh send nudes to his ex - Sora, the fucking devil in that relationship) I couldn’t hide that I had been crying or that I was crying. I just couldn’t do it… That time, I threw my laptop down and went into the bathroom and sat there crying my eyes out. I was sobbing and digging my nails into my palms so hard, I’m suprised I didn’t break skin. Yesterday was different though. It wasn’t the betrayal of sending something to someone that shouldn’t have been sent… It was the betrayal of him fucking another girl… If he even did fuck her. It was the fact that he lied. He lied about waiting… And it hurt because he didn’t want that with me. He didn’t want to have sex with me. I was usually the one that wanted to have sex. Always pretty much. After I cheated, sex began to become less and less. It got to where it was almost non-existent.
It hurt to feel like I was dragging it out of him. It hurt to think yesterday, that he didn’t ever want me physically or even emotionally for that matter. He didn’t make me feel like he loved me in the end. I tried everything to figure out a way to at least make it SEEM like he was happy with me. Here I am typing away, tears running down my cheeks… And nobody even knows. Brandon doesn’t know that I’m crying. He will find out when he reads this. My aunt doesn’t know. Josh doesn’t know. My parents don’t know. Nobody knows. And it’s not that hard, sobbing crying either… This is the slow, most painful crying a person can go through. Every tear burns your face and you can’t seem to stop the slow streams running down your face. But I’ll be ok. Tonight I’m typing this out in hopes that it will make me feel less hurt. That it will make things less painful. I know though… That there are amazing people who love me. I have Brandon. He’ll be here for me through anything and I know that for a fact.
Now, I will leave you with this…
Though my heart may seem tattered and torn in this instant… It’s come a long way from what it used to be. I have Brandon to thank for that. He’s stuck by my side even when I made it hard for him to. For that, I thank him. He will have my heart for so many reasons and that’s one of them. I love him with as much of my heart as I can right now. And I hope he believes that and knows that as time passes that my love for him will only grow more and will only grow stronger.